I miss Yiannis

Sometimes I can't bear to go on. I feel like my whole future has been destroyed. Yiannis is not a man because a man wouldn't treat someone like this. No he's not even human. He's just a creature. A human would at least be kind. That's all I want. Kindness. So many people are horrified at his behaviour.

And what makes it hurt extra bad is that there is someone else. Someone who he sits online and talks to on fb every night. I know him. It explains why he was so keen to be rid of me. He loves her and it has probably been going on for ages. So for all that talk of morals... he is not grieving me. He is a sick, wicked freak.

Work has been horrendous today. This is because everything is being blamed on me and also because I keep crying over yiannis and his new girlfriend.

The sad thing is that all he would have to do is text me and ask to meet and it would make everything better. But he won't because he is a coward and would rather spend time with his worthless bitch than show care for the girlfriend who loved him for nearly five years.

It looks as if he never loved me enough to be want to be with me, he never loved me enough to try. It has all been pretense on his part. As the song says: "Guess it wasn't real after all".

I did everything for him and yet being with me must have nearly killed him. Maybe he felt that he needed to punish himself for something and that is what led him to start a relationship with me. I don't know. It just makes me sick that everytime he kissed me, everytime he touched me or spent time with me, he must have despised me. Maybe that is why he felt the need to destroy my life.

All least I am going to Will's bbq later. That will take my mind off things.

I am feeling so ill. I have terrible shooting pains in my arms.  I also have very cold hands. I never thought that it is possible to feel emotional pain in a physical way. But now I have been barely able to walk and I am constantly being sick. So how any of this is for my sake I don't know .

There is no point writing about how I feel as I don't feel. I feel like my emotions are dead. I can't even remember who I was. I see things that remind me of another life but it seems like a dream now.

I think I must've done something in a past life to deserve this punishment. But all I ever did was commit the crime of loving someone. I want to smile again but my sparkle has gone and I don't think I will smile again.